


we're not just there

by encoru



Series: Chansoo Week [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, ChanSoo Week, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Rain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 11:56:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11161359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/encoru/pseuds/encoru
Summary: Chanyeol lets the sky weep for him and wash away his losses.





	we're not just there

**Author's Note:**

> day 5 of chansoo week: wishes/regrets  
> this is purely based on daniel caesar's [streetcar](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jY0EVBvwimw), i'm sorry.

_All these street lights, glowing, happen to be just like moments passing in front of me_

_So I hopped in the cab and I paid my fare_    
_See I know my destination, I'm just not there_

-

Chanyeol wakes up to the incessant ringing of his phone, an unwelcome sound that cuts through his sleep in the middle of the night. When he finally grabs the offending device to tell whoever it is on the other end of the line to go away, the ringing comes to a halt, much to his annoyance.

He checks the clock. It's 12:30 o'clock in the morning, for Christ's sake.

He's about to shut off his phone and go back to sleep when he receives a text message that suddenly makes his senses instantly come alive.

 

 

 

Chanyeol rushes to the hospital, clad in nothing but his pajamas and a big trench coat. He feels the puddle of water on the asphalt seep through his shoes as he runs and hears the quiet pitter-patter in the background but by the time he realizes it's raining, it's already too late. He flags the nearest taxi that comes into his line of sight. To Seoul St. Mary's Hospital, he instructs the driver.

Outside, the ambient drizzle transitions into a downpour. The big pellets of water hitting the rooftop of the taxi thrums in time with his heartbeat. Chanyeol clenches and unclenches his fist, wipes the sweat from his clammy hands on his pajamas. He tries his best not to fidget, tries to focus and stare straight ahead. He hopes it's not yet too late.

By the time the taxi arrives at the hospital, Chanyeol fishes out all the bills on his pocket and runs towards the emergency room. He hears somebody shout  _Please don't run in the corridors while you're wet!_  after him but pays it in no mind as he searches for someone.

In his haste, he almost crashes into someone and knocks them out. That someone grabs his hand.

"Chanyeol," his mom greets him.

"How is she?"

"She's fine," His mom breaks out into a smile, "She's currently in labor now. We're just waiting for her water to break. Dongjoon should be here in an hour."

Chanyeol slumps on the nearest seat. He covers his face with his hands as he feels relief wash over him completely. Of course, Yoora is fine. He suddenly wants to cry.

He feels his mother sit beside him and ruffle his hair. The motion causes water droplets to trickle down his face. When he looks up, his mother is looking at him with a fond smile.

"Did you think it was something else?" She asks.

Chanyeol nods.

"Silly boy, your sister's pregnancy is already due, what else could it be?"

Chanyeol whines. "Mom, you texted me: 'Hurry up. Dad and Yoora in the emergency room right now'. What else was I supposed to think?"

His mom laughs. "Okay fine, I'm sorry. I worded it incorrectly. Dad went with Yoora in the emergency room because he's keeping her company. Do you forgive your mother now?"

Chanyeol nods and gets a hard smack on the shoulder in response. "Why did you run in the rain? Do you want to catch a cold? It's monsoon season now, Chanyeol."

"I know," Chanyeol sighs in defeat. Sometimes, he wonders if his family deliberately wants him to go into cardiac arrest with their text messages.

He scratches his tummy absentmindedly when he hears it grumble.

"I'll walk around and check the hospital cafe. Do you want anything?"

"No, thank you, I just ate something a while ago. Go ahead. Your brother-in-law said he's already near."

Chanyeol offers his mom an apologetic smile and leaves. The adrenaline and panic from earlier has already subsided, but it has been replaced by a shiver that runs down his spine as the cold air hits his wet skin. He clutches his trench coat closer to his body.

The cafe is a five-minute walk from the emergency room on this side of the hospital. Chanyeol looks around. The place is not as cramped as he was expecting it to be. There are couples, there are elderly people sat in wheelchairs, and then there are men sitting alone, sipping coffee by themselves. They're probably here to soothe out their nerves from waiting for their wife, Chanyeol thinks to himself.

Despite everything that happened, he's glad to be here. Yoora is on her way to deliver her firstborn - his nephew - and Chanyeol couldn't be more than ecstatic. He fondly recalls the day when his older sister broke out the news to their family - their parents (excited, future grandparents) practically cried out of happiness while he jumped in joy and nearly knocked down his mom's 20-year old vase.

 _Uncle_. Someone is going to call him uncle very soon. His nephew hasn't even been born yet but Chanyeol already thinks of the hundred ways he'd spoil him and teach him every skill he knows to make sure he grows up talented and well. He knows his nephew is going to grow up as good-looking as he is, maybe even better. Good genes run in their family.

Chanyeol gets a croissant and an Americano. He sits himself in the corner table beside the window. The rain seems to have quieted down to a drizzle again. He looks out, the streetlights glowing down below appearing as nothing but a blur through the haze of the rain.

Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the high from his happiness, but tonight, Chanyeol lets himself be. Lets himself bring back the thoughts he has pushed back to the very back of his mind, lets himself wonder about the what-ifs, the missed opportunities, the moments that have passed.

To say that he has never thought about having a kid of his own is a complete lie, to say that he's never tried, an understatement. He thinks back to the days when he genuinely thought he would never get the chance to be a father just because he couldn't procreate, just because he couldn't sleep with women, just because he'd rather spend his lifetime in the arms of a man. Fatherhood is an experience he has always wanted to try but ever since he came to the conclusion that he prefers men, he has long resigned himself from it.

Yet his hope got revived again when one day, his lover told him, "We could always adopt."

"You will let me adopt children?" Chanyeol asked him back then.

"Yes, if that's what you want. You and me could be great fathers and make a family, with our adopted child," He responded.

And as always Chanyeol believed him.

He believed in his words and their dreams. Believed in their fate and the future that it promised. But as Chanyeol discovered later on, fate isn't always set in stone and words aren't meant to last forever.

Chanyeol shakes his head. In retrospect, it was no one's fault. It was a relationship that came to an end because of a mutual decision.

He's completely fine now but sometimes, in moments of quiet like this, he can't help but look back on the memories.

"Excuse me, can I sit here?" Chanyeol snaps out of his thoughts and stops mid-bite. When he looks up to the owner of the voice, he almost chokes on his croissant.

"Chanyeol?" Kyungsoo says, voice almost a whisper. Chanyeol stares at him. He feels himself stare and stare and stare yet he can't stop himself. Kyungsoo, the subject of his thoughts just a while ago, is here in flesh, standing in front of him, a tray filled with pastry and coffee on his arms. His hair is shorter now, his jaw more square, his skin more golden. His face looks like it has added all the 10 years that Chanyeol hasn't seen him. Yet, like the old times, Chanyeol still finds himself stunned because Kyungsoo looks greater than he remembers him to be, even at 33.

"Long time no see," Kyunsoo says, offers a small smile. When Chanyeol doesn't respond, the smile slowly falters then he adds, "I'm sorry, all the seats are occupied. I just thought you were dining alone. If you're waiting for a friend I could always just wait until someone leaves - "

"No, please don't leave." Chanyeol replies.  _Again_ , he is tempted to add. "Sorry, I was so surprised, please go take a seat. I don"t have anyone with me."

"Great. Thanks," Kyungsoo places his tray on the table, pulls out a chair opposite him and sits. "I didn't expect to find you here of all places." Chanyeol watches him take a sip of his drink. He still likes his coffee black. "I hope you're okay?"

Chanyeol lets out a small chuckle at that. "I should be the one saying that to you. Since when have you been back?"

"I moved back last year. It's actually a surprise I haven't run into you until now, in here, of all places," Kyungsoo's lips tug upwards at the sides, and Chanyeol knows by memory that's he's fighting back a full smile. Then, Kyungsoo schools his face into a serious expression. "I've actually been looking for you."

"I've been traveling a lot the past year, maybe that's why." Chanyeol takes a sip of his coffee. It's suddenly too sweet. "You were looking for me?"

"Yes, I wanted to invite you to something." Kyungsoo holds his gaze. Chanyeol knows better than to stare back, to give in to that gaze, because he knows what it could do - what it did to him some 10 years ago - so he stares above his head. "Don't tell me you were gonna invite me to your movie premiere?"

Kyungsoo laughs, breaks out into the heart-shaped smile that Chanyeol used to love so much, and Chanyeol suddenly feels like he's 24 again. "I was hoping to invite you into this special event our company had. It was a gig."

Chanyeol shakes his head. "I don't do music anymore." When he notices Kyungsoo's shocked expression, he adds, "At least not as extensively as before."

Kyungsoo continues to stare at him with wide eyes so he continues. "I still compose - I get calls every now and then from people who commission me to do musical scoring to their movies or compose a song for their radio advertisements but that's all there is to it. Quite a disappointment, huh?" Chanyeol scratches the back of his head.

"No, you're not," Kyungsoo says. Chanyeol smiles.

"Couldn't be helped. Someone had to take over the family restaurant. Yoora can't simply get rid of her job as a tv anchor. I mean, she's already there. Unlike me."

"It's not that easy to break into the music industry."

"Yes, it's not that easy. But some people still managed to break in, and those people don't include me."

Kyungsoo sighs. "But at least you still get to do something you love every once in a while," Chanyeol watches him stare at the window. "Some people don't - can't - anymore."

Chanyeol looks at Kyungsoo incredulously. "You stopped acting?"

Kyungsoo smiles at him but it doesn't reach his eyes. "Priorities."

Chanyeol takes in Kyungsoo's appearance. He's clad in a white button down shirt and black slacks - the standard outfit of an office man. Then, something catches his eye when Kyungsoo takes a sip of his coffee.

A golden band wrapped around his ring finger, glimmering under the white lights. 

Of course, Kyungsoo is already married. Of course. 

Chanyeol feels his heart sink.

He chuckles bitterly. "I can't imagine you not acting. You used to audition to every indie film there is available."

"I can't imagine you not doing music either," Kyungsoo fires back.

"We promised ourselves we wouldn't grow up to be ordinary like everybody else. You were supposed to be a Cannes Best Actor."

Chanyeol thinks back to those days in college when all Kyungsoo did was talk movies, watch movies, and act in movies. He was a prodigy, a legend in the making. That's what Chanyeol has always believed - still believes in.

"You were supposed to become South Korea's best producer." 

"And I was supposed to do the musical scoring for your breakthrough movie. We were supposed to collaborate on the soundtrack," Chanyeol adds. "We had big dreams -"

"-but some of those dreams didn't translate into reality," Kyungsoo finishes.

"Just like us," Chanyeol mutters. Chanyeol hates how his voice quivers. "What happened to us, Kyungsoo?"

Kyungsoo looks at him in the eye and for the first time that night, Chanyeol looks back. Something swells up in his chest again as he looks in those eyes - those round, round eyes that always seemed to hold so much, say so much about Kyungsoo. Ten years ago, those eyes always looked at him like he's the best thing in the universe. Chanyeol always thought that he could drown in them. And now that he's peering at them again, holding back Kyungsoo's gaze, he doesn't know what exactly he's supposed to see. He sees fondness, melancholy maybe, and if he's hopeful, maybe regret.

Chanyeol wonders what would have happened had he decided to go with their original plan - to quit their day job and give it all in pursuit of their passion for the arts. Had he quit his graduate studies, had he took up on Kyungsoo's offer to move and leave with him, what would have become of them? Had Kyungsoo not left, would things be different? Would they be the stars that they have always been dreamed of to be? Would they be still together now, happily married and taking care of their own child?

"You asked me, 'If I had tickets for two, would you go with me?'", Chanyeol whispers. 

"You never responded," Kyungsoo replies grimly. 

"I never did," Chanyeol admits, "But even after so many years, I'm always left wondering, what if I-"

"I'm an expecting dad now, Chanyeol," Kyungsoo says, voice almost a whisper. Kyungsoo turns over his hand, looks at his palm, clenches it and unclenches. Chanyeol's eyes dart towards the golden band on his finger. "My wife is in labor as we speak. We're supposed to see our first child in about five hours or so."

Chanyeol smiles. "Congratulations."

"Thank you," Kyungsoo smiles back at him, fond.

"My sister Yoora is in labor too, I'm gonna be an uncle soon."

He sees Kyungsoo's face visibly light up. "Congratulations, too." 

Chanyeol thinks it might have been in bad taste, but it's out of his mouth before he could even stop himself. "I never knew you were into women as well."

Kyungsoo laughs his deep, husky laugh that Chanyeol always found to be weirdly attractive. Then, he looks at Chanyeol funnily. "I never knew too, because I always thought I'd be into you."

Chanyeol chuckles. "But we grew apart."

"Along with our dreams."

They grow silent after that. Chanyeol notices it has started to pour again, the angry pitter-patter of the rain hammering against the rooftop, against their window. Maybe the sky is weeping for their losses, washing away the traces of lost opportunities and dreams. 

For a while they stay like that, with only the rain and the quiet chatter in the hospital the only things that could be heard between them. They let the warmth from their coffee embrace them. Somehow, this just feels like the old times, back when Chanyeol would stay silent and Kyungsoo would not ask because they were merely contented with the comforting company of each other. 

After a while, Chanyeol is the first one to break the silence. "So what do you do now?" He takes a sip from his coffee.

"I teach English to elementary kids," Kyungsoo replies, "I used to travel between Osaka and Fukuoka to teach Japanese children, but I moved back to Seoul since my wife got pregnant."

"So no traveling for a while."

"Definitely none if I want to be a good dad and husband."

Chanyeol imagines the present Kyungsoo, holding a small, minitiaure version of himself. He smiles at the thought. "You're gonna be a great dad."

"Thank you," Kyungsoo rubs his nape, a habit he has formed when he gets shy from compliments. "I hope so."

"Kyungsoo," he starts, "Do you think there is still time for us to..grow? To catch up with what we really wanted to be?"

"We're not young anymore, Chanyeol," Kyungsoo says grimly, "But one of my favorite actors became a dancer at 30, then became an actor at 40. So I guess, it's not yet too late."

"It's not yet too late," Chanyeol repeats. 

"Yeah." 

"Maybe we're not just there," Chanyeol mutters, more as an assurance to himself.

"But we'll get there eventually," Kyungsoo supplies.

"That's a promise." Chanyeol laughs.

"If you don't own up to this one, I'm gonna kill you," Kyungsoo threatens but there's no bite to his tone. Chanyeol laughs louder despite himself.

Chanyeol watches Kyungsoo fish out his phone, sees his face morph into a slight look of panic. "My in-laws are gonna be here in five mins. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I have to get going now."

"Don't mention it. I should get going too. It was nice to hang out with you after so long." 

Kyungsoo gets up, places a hand on Chanyeol's shoulder, and squeezes there. "I missed you, Chanyeol."

Chanyeol gets surprised, feels his heart stammer, but he tries not to let it show. Kyungsoo still knows how to take him aback after all these years. 

"I mean it," Kyungsoo adds. He retrieves his hand from Chanyeol's shoulder, slings his coat on his back. "See you around." Then, he's walking away.

Chanyeol watches Kyungsoo's retreating back until he disappears in the twisting corridors of the hospital.

He lets out the breath he's been holding. For the second time that night, he feels relief wash over him, soothing out his tensed nerves and tired limbs. But he doesn't want to cry. Only the sky is weeping for him.

He stares outside, watches the street lights glow amidst the downpour. He rests his chin on his palm and hums a tune he's been working on for days. He's left to his own devices again but he knows better now than to give up, to hold back. He smiles despite everything. _It's not yet too late_.

Chanyeol can hardly wait to sing his song to his nephew when he cradles him. And maybe, just maybe, if Kyungsoo will let him, he'll sing it to Kyungsoo's child too.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry this was rushed ;;


End file.
